this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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