Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
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went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
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At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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