Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
