sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
