Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
