We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
