I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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