I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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