Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
