he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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