I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
