Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
