I will die if light touches me.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
