Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
