if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
