I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
