your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
