i think my mom watched the whole time
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
