I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
