there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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