I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
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