Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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