my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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