Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
