u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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