my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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