There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
