I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
