I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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