Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
i believe in u and ur pee
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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