so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
