The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
