i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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