I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
