sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I wish I only lived at night.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
