OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
