I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
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I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
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On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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