Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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