im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
