my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
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