I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
