watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
