If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
