Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I look better un-naked...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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