Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
