yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
In America we eat man semen.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
