In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
