Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
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They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
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"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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