1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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