I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I think people are normalizing furries
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