I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
