i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
