He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
