Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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