morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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