dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
