the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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